This Looked Like Fun....

So The Deep Thinker had this for a post today. It looked amusing, so I tried it myself. Here are the results:

You are The Star

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Star is one of the great cards of faith, dreams realised

The Star is a card that looks to the future. It does not predict any immediate or powerful change, but it does predict hope and healing. This card suggests clarity of vision, spiritual insight. And, most importantly, that unexpected help will be coming, with water to quench your thirst, with a guiding light to the future. They might say you're a dreamer, but you're not the only one.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

So those of you that know me, what do you think? Accurate?

Well I love a rainy night...

So we had quite the storms the last few days. Within 3 days, we've managed to almost make up for the deficit of the summer. Granted, it would have been much nicer in spurts, but I'm not going to complain too much. We were very fortunate that we didn't suffer any damage, just some small branches down.

I love storms tho. Didn't used to when I was small - was terrified of them in fact. Not so much the storms but when it would get so dark, & the sky would turn green. Then the sirens would go off. That's what would get to me. For years I couldn't even watch the tornado scene in the Wizard of Oz, it would completely freak me out. (True story - sad huh?) But as I got older, I decided that I would study weather-stuff, hopefully to understand what was going on. Then I started taking photos of clouds. Not the fluffy, happy blue sky clouds - those were boring. I'm talking about the big, black menacing kind - exactly the kind that I feared as a child. I guess you could call it a primitive form of therapy. It worked tho. Oh sure, I get nervous when things really get rockin' & rollin' - kinda like last night when the Weather Geeks were talking 5" hail (that's grapefruit sized folks) & winds over 100 mph. But I also wish for daylight - 'cause those would have been some kick-ass clouds to shoot. Oh well - next time.

Rainy Saturdays

I don't know whether it's the gray & drippy weather outside, the events of the last week or what, but I'm in one sour-assed mood today. The only upside was that I was able to sleep in this morning, something that I desperately needed. It was a very long week, lots of work & mild stress trying to get projects done. Then we had the whole bridge thing, which thankfully didn't directly impact me but was one of those "taking stock" moments. I don't know how many people I talked to said "Jeez, I've been over that bridge (insert number of times here) & it could've been me." This includes myself. I'm just thankful that the number of fatalities has been so low so far. It could have been sooo much worse. Unfortunately this was one of those events that gets you thinking, & getting me reflective hasn't been all that productive lately. It just gets me in one of these moods, & then the day tends to go into the crapper.

Right now, I'm giving serious thought to going back to bed. Yeah.... perhaps.

Ahhhh.... vacation

You know, is there any better feeling that coming back from a good time on vacation relaxed & refreshed?? I mean seriously, I don't think anything can bother me right now. Ok, so I did check work email & found out my complete IDIOT co-worker managed to screw up some of my projects. But that only bothered me for a few minutes. Now, let's see how I'm doing next weekend at the same time.

I hope you, dear reader, get to experience this vacation-induced bliss at least once this year. If not, I do feel sorry for ya, 'cause it rocks.

Life & Death

So here I am, innocently surfing Myspace (yeah, I know, I'm a little too old for it, move on), when I decide to stop over to my high school alumni page. I'm wandering around, looking for anyone I know, when I stumble over someone's page. I think I recognize him, so I pop on his page for a second. That's when it hits me - his "headline": "In honor and memory of Corporal Nick Polizzotto, South Bend PD, shot in the line of duty 4-24-07". I had to sit for a minute just rereading it. I knew Nick. I was at his wedding, & I was at Michele (his widow's) bachelorette party. His mom was one of my English teachers in High School. This isn't right. So I head over to the South Bend Tribune website & search for something on this. Sure enough, I find his obit. I can't believe it. It was just a couple months ago that I found out another classmate, who I didn't know quite as well, also a SB Police officer, was killed in the line of duty a year ago. This is incredible. It's always so sad when someone so young dies, & we know it's coming for all of us, but it doesn't lessen the shock. Both these guys were funny, really cool guys in HS. Scott was the jock, but he never pretended he was better than anyone else. He was just a regular guy. And Nick, even tho his mom was a teacher, was a total clown. He always tried to make you laugh. He & Michele just "fit".

So to these two brave, funny, honorable guys - we will remember you. May you rest in peace.

Corporal Nick Polizzotto

Corporal Scott Severns

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes...

So this was a truly interesting weekend. As you can see from my last post, I was pretty down, mostly because of the whole "friend" situation. But this weekend I feel like I turned a corner. Things have been kinda stressful lately - lots of "grown up" things to think about, big decisions being discussed. Saturday started out pretty bad... we were supposed to go over to some friends' house for a BBQ, but I just couldn't deal with it. I know it's probably horrible for me to say, but it was because of their 2 kids. They're good kids, but the last time we went over to their house for a BBQ about a month ago, I kinda felt like I got stuck entertaining the munchkins. Don't get me wrong, I like them... but they aren't my kids. I'm a guest, & I kinda felt like the parents didn't really try to reign them in. So given my state of mind, the things in it, & the fact that I was just completely wiped out, I just so wasn't up for another round of that. I ended up calling in the afternoon & telling them that I wasn't feeling good & that we'd have to take a raincheck. (Now this wasn't totally a lie, because I really didn't feel all that great.) We were just kinda hanging & then ended up going out with Jer & Heather. I probably wasn't the best company... in fact I know I wasn't. But I did have some fun.

By Sunday I just wanted to veg out & watch my Indy 500 & relax, & try to get out of my head for a while. Of course, this wasn't going to happen. D's parents decided they wanted to do something, so he invited them over. Now, they were supposed to come over a little after 3, which should have been plenty of time for me to watch the race, but there was a long rain delay, so it didn't end up getting finished until 5:30. The 'rents didn't end up getting to our house until 4, & D's mom was just being a gigantic pain in the arse. I'm probably over reacting, but it felt like it at the time, which completely put me in a cranky mood. I mean really, when you tell someone that they don't need to bring over anything, you'd think they wouldn't, right? Oh no. She had to bring over this potato casserole thingie, which we didn't even want. *sigh* But we ate, they hung out for a while, & by the time they left I was just ready to punch someone or something. I'd just been stewing & just needed to get out of the house for a while. I needed some "estrogen therapy", so I sent Jer a text to have Heather give me a call. We ended up meeting up @ the Bone for drinks. This was kind of a big thing for me, because since my "incident" with the former friend, I haven't really felt like I had a female friend that I could go to with stuff. It was kinda hard at first, I guess 'cause I was still kinda gun-shy about opening up to someone again. (For the record, I'm still not that comfortable with it, but we'll get to that in a minute.) But we started talking, or I started venting really, & I started to feel a little better. I don't think I really solved anything, but it just felt good to say it & get it out of my head. This is where things started to turn around. We were having a good conversation, & then some more friends showed up. Lauree joined us for a bit, & we started having some good quality girl-time. It felt so nice, just having that bonding. It'd been a while since I'd had that. Suddenly it turned from me going up to the Bone to drown my sorrows to a good time. Then it turned into a good old-fashioned party, as several people came back to our house for booze & fun. LOL we ended up greeting the sun this morning around 6am. I don't even know the last time I did that.

I guess the moral of my long & winding story here is that I was wrong to want to close myself off from my friends, to not want that "best friend" again. I realized that I do have a lot of friends, & I love them all.

Trapped in my Head

So do you ever wake up on a lazy Saturday or Sunday morning & kinda just lay in bed & start thinking random things? That was me this morning. Woke up still stiff & sore from yesterday's paint marathon, but refreshed after having about 10 hours sleep - & I started thinking. Just random thoughts - finishing up the bedroom, chores I needed to do today, etc - & then it snuck up & bit me: I started thinking about her. By "her" I mean my former best friend - we'll just call her "Mary". Now, I won't go into the whole story in this post (vented my spleen about that on myspace), but suffice it to say that she stopped talking to me about the end of October. The worst part is, I know in my heart & my head that I did absolutely nothing to provoke her to end our friendship. But it still hurts, & makes me angry.

After the initial shock & anger & crying jags about it (before the holidays), I didn't really think about it a whole lot. She'd made her decision (for whatever reason), & I was fine with that. This wasn't the first incident of her pulling something like this - so I took it as a sign that she really wasn't that invested in our friendship. But lately it's been coming back on me at random moments, & it's just festering in my brain - kinda like when you get a splinter & you don't get it out right away. I think part of the problem is that I've got some stuff going on, stuff you'd normally sit with your best friend & discuss & disect over coffee or maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry's, but I don't have that option. I mean, I've got friends - a lot of acquaintences, & a couple of people who I'd classify as "friends" - but I don't really have that one person any more that I know I can go to with anything & they'll listen, & not be judgemental & just let me vent until I'm done. That's what I think hurts more than anything about this whole situation.

So the casual observer might ask "Well what about the Hubby? Isn't he supposed to be your best friend?" And that person would be right - he is my best friend, but it's different. I'm talking about your girlfriend, the one who you can go shoe shopping with, or tell "girlie" stuff to, or talk about the Hubby when he's being an idiot. That's what I don't have. It'd be one thing if I had done something so horrible or we'd gotten into a huge fight, where it was a mutual decision. But it was taken away from me - & that's where the anger comes in. Part of it is that, again, I know I did nothing wrong. The other is that I'm mad at myself - obviously I was more invested in the friendship than "Mary". So I'm to blame for not having any other "best friends".

*sigh* So here I am, trapped in my head on a bright, sunny Sunday, & yet all I feel like is that kid in the Charlie Brown cartoons - the one with the dark cloud over their head.

Good Grief.