Sunday, March 11, 2007

Trapped in my Head

So do you ever wake up on a lazy Saturday or Sunday morning & kinda just lay in bed & start thinking random things? That was me this morning. Woke up still stiff & sore from yesterday's paint marathon, but refreshed after having about 10 hours sleep - & I started thinking. Just random thoughts - finishing up the bedroom, chores I needed to do today, etc - & then it snuck up & bit me: I started thinking about her. By "her" I mean my former best friend - we'll just call her "Mary". Now, I won't go into the whole story in this post (vented my spleen about that on myspace), but suffice it to say that she stopped talking to me about the end of October. The worst part is, I know in my heart & my head that I did absolutely nothing to provoke her to end our friendship. But it still hurts, & makes me angry.

After the initial shock & anger & crying jags about it (before the holidays), I didn't really think about it a whole lot. She'd made her decision (for whatever reason), & I was fine with that. This wasn't the first incident of her pulling something like this - so I took it as a sign that she really wasn't that invested in our friendship. But lately it's been coming back on me at random moments, & it's just festering in my brain - kinda like when you get a splinter & you don't get it out right away. I think part of the problem is that I've got some stuff going on, stuff you'd normally sit with your best friend & discuss & disect over coffee or maybe a pint of Ben & Jerry's, but I don't have that option. I mean, I've got friends - a lot of acquaintences, & a couple of people who I'd classify as "friends" - but I don't really have that one person any more that I know I can go to with anything & they'll listen, & not be judgemental & just let me vent until I'm done. That's what I think hurts more than anything about this whole situation.

So the casual observer might ask "Well what about the Hubby? Isn't he supposed to be your best friend?" And that person would be right - he is my best friend, but it's different. I'm talking about your girlfriend, the one who you can go shoe shopping with, or tell "girlie" stuff to, or talk about the Hubby when he's being an idiot. That's what I don't have. It'd be one thing if I had done something so horrible or we'd gotten into a huge fight, where it was a mutual decision. But it was taken away from me - & that's where the anger comes in. Part of it is that, again, I know I did nothing wrong. The other is that I'm mad at myself - obviously I was more invested in the friendship than "Mary". So I'm to blame for not having any other "best friends".

*sigh* So here I am, trapped in my head on a bright, sunny Sunday, & yet all I feel like is that kid in the Charlie Brown cartoons - the one with the dark cloud over their head.

Good Grief.